By Dr. D. Burns, M.D., adapted
A businessman got into a taxi one day at rush hour. He was hurrying to make a train, and suggested a route to the station. “I’ve been a cabby for fifteen years!” the driver yelled. “You think I don’t know the best way to go?”
The man tried to explain that he hadn’t meant to offend him, but the driver kept yelling. He finally realized he was too upset to be reasonable. So he did the unexpected. “You know you’re right,” he told him. “It must seem dumb for me to assume you don’t know the best way through the city.”
Taken aback, the driver flashed his rider a confused look in the rear view mirror, turned down the street he wanted and got him to the station on time. “He didn’t say another word for the rest of the ride,” he said, “until I got out and paid him. Then he thanked me.”
From time to time all of us have to cope with people like this cabdriver, and there’s an irresistible urge to dig in your heels. This can lead to prolonged arguments, soured friendships, lost career opportunities and broken marriages. I’ve discovered one simple but extremely unlikely principle that can prevent virtually any conflict or other difficult situation from becoming a recipe for disaster.
The key is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and look for the truth in what that person is saying. Find a way to agree. The result may surprise you.
Sulkers
Steve’s 14-year-old son, Peter, had been irritable for several days.
When Steve asked why, Peter shot back, “Nothing’s wrong!” and stalked off to his room.
We all know people like Peter. When there’s a problem, they may sulk or act angry and refuse to talk.
So what’s the solution? Steve should start by asking himself why Peter won’t talk. Could something have happened at school? Or was it something Peter was afraid to bring up because Steve becomes defensive when he’s criticized? The next time he approaches Peter he can pursue these possibilities by saying: “I noticed that you’re upset, and I think it would help to get the problem out in the open. It may be hard because I haven’t always listened very well. If so, I feel bad because I love you and I don’t want to let you down.”
If Peter still refuses to talk, Steve can take a different tack: “I’m concerned about what’s going on with you, but we can talk later, when you’re more in the mood.”
This strategy allows both to win: Steve doesn’t have to compromise on the principle that ultimately the problem needs to be talked out and resolved. Peter saves face by being allowed to withdraw for a while.
Noisy Critics
Recently, I was talking to a businessman named Frank who tends to be overbearing when he’s upset. Frank told me that I was too preoccupied with money and that he shouldn’t have to pay on the spot for services rendered. He wanted to be billed monthly.
I felt annoyed because it seemed that Frank always had to have things his way.
I explained that I had tried monthly billing, but that it hadn’t worked because some people didn’t pay. Frank argued that he had impeccable credit and knew much more about credit and billing than I did.
Suddenly I realized I was missing Frank’s point. “You’re right,” I replied. “I’m being defensive. We should not worry so much about money.”
Frank immediately softened and began talking about what was really bothering him, namely some personal problems. The next time we met, he handed me a check to pay in advance.
There are times, however, when people are unreasonably abusive and it may be best to walk away from the situation. But if you want the problem solved, it’s important to let the other person salvage some self-esteem. There’s nearly always a grain of truth in the other person’s point of view. If you acknowledge this, he or she will be less defensive and more likely to listen to you.
Complainers
Brad is a 32-year-old chiropractor who recently described his frustration with a patient of his: “I ask Mr. Barry, `How are you doing?’ and he unloads his whole life story: his family problems, his financial difficulties. I give him advice, but he ignores everything I tell him.”
